*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously