This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Incredible customer service.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.