4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Attacked by a mop.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…