if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.