Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
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[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
#SCOTUS one-star review
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person