Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.