I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
boat question
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.