Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
RT if you could go either way.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.