All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I am having an out of money experience.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?