sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
when there are deer in the woods
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
CRYING
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.