Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour