All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
You Might Also Like
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird