Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.