Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.