A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan