Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest