If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
This is always good for a laugh.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.