It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!