Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!