First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You Might Also Like
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Has science gone too far?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.