I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
January has been Januweary
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot