“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.