guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Florida be like…
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena