Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions