Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.