I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
They grow up so quick
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan