ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably