I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My love language is hissing.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.