It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.