cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
i hope my email finds you on fire
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him