I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
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My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
house sitting!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.