[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA