a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
for all #parents out there
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
#MeanwhileinCanada
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then