I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
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Can’t stop laughing
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
So glad we cleared that up
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
#parenting
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.