Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money