Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
こいつ天才
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.