You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Rt to bother an English speaker
FRED: right
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*