I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Beauty and the Beast
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.