person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m calling the cops.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses