I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Meow?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys