My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.