Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
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Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
THIS HEADLINE
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.