If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror