My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said