Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The news
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
so this horse walks into a bar
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.