You Might Also Like
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot