“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.