On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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This will never not be funny 😭
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
that colleague who touches your screen
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
it must be school picture day
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Peace was never an option
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.