<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
God, I love Scotland
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Word!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.