Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
You Might Also Like
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark